my phone needs a breathalizer
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
