I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize