you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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