Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
