Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
