ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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