he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
