so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
