I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
