...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
