I think my vagina is haunted
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
