I met the friendliest cop last night
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
