dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
