True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
