cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You are the jesus of drinking
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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