Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
