the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
