My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize