Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
