I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
