I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
