Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
