is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
