and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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