I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
