My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
