I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
