I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize