A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
