If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
