i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We don't watch enough power rangers
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
