According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
