apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i dont even know how to be here
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
