Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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