Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize