Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
