He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
How external is "for external use only"?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
