my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
