Well apparently he's into motor boating.
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
