Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
