using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
