Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
