i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
