Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
