"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He did a backflip because drugs
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