i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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