I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
