I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize