I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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