he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
