Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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