you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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