I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
