i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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