There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
