Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
where does the pee come out of this thing
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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