So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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