i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
