I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
