We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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