i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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